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As I sit here looking across the room at you, I know now that you don't love me.
What took me so long to realize that? You never did.
You liked me when I was skinnier and younger and full of life. You were that way once too.
The difference is that I still love you even though you have gotten older and heavier too.
One thing I have learned through all of this is that you only look out for yourself.
You grabbed on to me because you weren't strong enough to get this far on your own.
I know what not having a place to live is like and I willingly agreed to let you stay until you financially got on your feet.
Then you went through the motions and I mistook that for love. That you still cared and wanted to work it out.
Until I read the emails. You are planning to leave when your case goes through. Your court date is March.
You're "outta here" one email said. Another said that I was a "big mistake".
This big mistake saved your ass.
Come March, if your case doesn't come through, you're going to have to leave regardless.
I might be kind-hearted but I'm not an idiot.
As I look back over the last 5 years you never had anything good to say about your exes. Could they all have been that bad? Doubtful.
I dug out the memories of the lies you told me that I buried in the back of my mind while giving you a second chance.
I wrote them all down and when you read them on a piece of paper the list is pretty long.
The really sad part is that we get along so well together.
Our days our filled with laughter. Smiles.
It's all an act by you.
You are unable to tell the truth.
You are too weak to be honest with others.
Then I read that piece of paper with the list again.
You have lied.
You tried to cheat but got busted.
You told people that I was a psycho.
You continue to look me in the eye and lie to my face.
Maybe reading your emails is wrong, but it was so right for me.
I needed to see it all in writing.
The light bulb has gone off.
My world just got a whole lot brighter!
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Its not long until March and then I hope you'll get the huge breathing space you deserve as then you can really move on with your life without baggage dragging you into the past.
ReplyDeleteI've been on both sides of this, Barb. I've hurt and I've been hurt. It's hard. It's tough. It's unfair. Maybe a clean slate and a fresh start is exactly what you need.
ReplyDeleteYay, March is just a couple weeks away, and then you are free from the crap. I'm sorry to hear it turned this way, but you are an awesome woman and deserve SO.MUCH.BETTER.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm glad you read those e-mails, though. You deserve someone so amazing!
ReplyDeleteSorry you're going through this. It sounds like you've been taken advantage of for much too long. You are a caring, strong, beautiful, amazing person and you shouldn't be treated like that. I hope you get some relief from this come March. It will take time to heal but you need to be true to yourself and I'm glad you realize you deserve better.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
What a fracking shame. It is a sad thing to be a person who can live like that without any conscience.
ReplyDeleteIt's a real shame someone used you like that :( I hope you can move on.
ReplyDeleteWhy oh why do wonderful women take the crumbs that people give them? You deserve so much more and the psycho in this case is the man who is letting you get away. Come on March, we'll have a drink together, virtually of course, but I'm here to listen and let you vent!
ReplyDeleteHugs...I am sorry that you are going through this heartbreak all over again...It's hard to turn your back on something you want so badly...If you need me, you know where I am...love and lots of hugs to you...
ReplyDeleteHeartache is one of the worst kinds of pain. Know that we've all been there. Hang it there.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear you've had to go through this Barb, I had no idea you were living in this kind of life. I'm glad this whole thing seems to have made you wiser and stronger, that's the best way to deal with losing love, I hope in March things don't work out for him and he still has to leave, that'll be a good way to get him back. Hope you're okay.
ReplyDeletesometimes the lights come on in the most unusual ways - you had to take the path that you did to find out the truth. i'm so sorry that you've had to go through this. it's a rough road, for sure.
ReplyDeletehugs hope everything works out for you and you find your happy ending soon
ReplyDeleteSurvival is never wrong. You read the emails to protect your heart... to SEE what you already KNEW.
ReplyDeleteYou will never find the next Mr. Right, while Mr. Wrong is hanging around. (((HUGS))) Good things will come.
I'm so sorry Barb. Sometimes life just sucks. Good usually follows bad though so hang in there until your happy comes around again.
ReplyDeleteI think he needs to go NOW. As in right this minute. As in throw his crap out the window. He doesn't deserve your kindness.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
I have said it before and I will say it again.
ReplyDeleteASSHOLE!!!
He has lost someone special, someone he certainly doesn't deserve.
Kick him out and start to live again.
You are a strong beautiful sexy woman and you deserve so much better.
Big hugs and love my friend.
I hate you are hurting, you are a lovely and loving person and you will be happy again.
ReplyDeleteHugs~
Why wait for March? Change the locks, today.
ReplyDeletebummer sis.
ReplyDeletenot all Bruce guys suck...
although, i do believe most of my ex's would say bad things about me...at least at first...
eventually most of us let go and forgive and forget...
that is how i deal with most of bad life things...
but i still wish there were words we could say and make all the pain go away...
right . now.
That really sucks! Oh man, have I ever been there. Some anger at a time like this is a good thing. A nice good rant makes it feel a little better. Sorry, you are hurting... It's just gonna take some time.
ReplyDeleteI am really sorry, Barb. Some people are good actors. How awful to find out how he really feels instead of him being honest and telling you. So hurtful. He probably never sees the value in other people, only himself. He could have a good life, but he threw it away. He doesn't deserve you. You deserve better.
ReplyDeleteOut. Now.
ReplyDeleteWow, what an awful thing to go through. You deserve better. Sending you hugs.
ReplyDeleteI'm very sorry Barb! What can I do?
ReplyDeleteOhhhhhhh, Barb, I'm very sorry to read this.
ReplyDeleteWhat Vicki said. Why wait until March?
So sorry Barb, as many have said, you deserve better and hopefully you will be able to move on quickly. Know Linda & I are here for you my sweet friend.
ReplyDeleteOdie
Oh my, I think writing this has been great therapy for you. Take Care.
ReplyDelete:( I'm sorry it had to end up this way. You are such a strong woman, Barb! I know this will only make you stronger!!
ReplyDeletehed
Barb,
ReplyDeleteI'm with those who say why wait for March? Don't let him dictate the terms of your life any more. I'd put his things out on the lawn, change the locks, and kick his no good ass out! (Make copies of the emails first!) Take charge of your own life. It's scary at first but really feels good once you start practicing!
I am so sorry you are having to go through all of this right now. I am not sure why you feel the need to wait until march but I'm sure you have your reasons. I am happy that you have a plan and you can go forward and find the happiness that you deserve!
ReplyDeleteWow. So sorry you are going through this. Glad you found out before the fact. Take care of yourself!
ReplyDeleteHmmm I think you are being way nice not letting the door hit the keister before March.
ReplyDeleteStay strong.
Life is messy. Sounds like it's time for Barb to circle the wagons, and take time to look within and find the path that is right for her.
ReplyDeleteMove on, move up.
I've experienced what you have written about here. I am so sorry that you have to live it. I also know someone whose ass would be out NOW!!!
ReplyDeleteJust sayin'...
*huggles*
~shoes~
Oh BB, this is awful. I ws really hoping things had worked out for you both. I have to say, you are extremely generous to still share your home...Thinking of you and sending super strong hugs.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry...it is tough, I know.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry, Barb. What a [......]
ReplyDeletewow, im sorry i was late in reading this. That really is horrible... you deserve better.
ReplyDeleteWow Barb! I am so sorry sorry in reading this. I am so sorry you went through this and wish I could give you a hug! I know how that hurts and you so don't deserve it!
ReplyDeleteI sure as heck wouldn't let her stay until March. She would have to go elsewhere since she is so hateful.
Remember we all love you just the way you are!
Dear BB, I am SO sorry that I have only just got round to reading this (Im sitting in the local cafe using their wi-fi connection). Oh, my heart is sad for you my awesome friend. What a traitor! I just can't believe how someone can put on such a good act like that, when meaning nothing of it. It must have been terribly hurtful for you to read those e-mails. As you know, I really was hoping that everything was going to work out for you both, but it obviously wasn't meant to be. I agree with Emma, that I think you are being more than generous by still letting him share the home with you. Under the circumstances, and I really didn't want to have to say this at any time, but I think the sooner that he is gone, the better for you. You deserve so much more than this. I still can't believe how he can be so nice to your face and then writing these other things in e-mails. I'm just so sorry that it has to end like this. As you say, you get on so well, and laugh together. It really just doesn't make any sense. Take care dear BB, and stay strong. Big hugs x
ReplyDelete